


3AM...

by Raiken



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst and Feels, Blowjobs, Falling In Love, Flirting, Happy Ending, It's very romantic but they hurt each other in the process, Kissing, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Pushing and pulling, Romance, Seo Changbin-centric, Sexual Content, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:55:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22670587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raiken/pseuds/Raiken
Summary: “It’s weird. I did this to you.”“You didn’t do this to me. We did things together,” Hyunjin countered, not liking the fact that Changbin always thought as if they were two and not one like he believed.“I bruised you.”“I bruised you too.”“Alright. Does that make it healthy? I don’t think so.”--or: Love makes them do stupid things only because they love so much that they care so much too. Too much.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Comments: 24
Kudos: 180





	3AM...

**Author's Note:**

> Breaking news: I love ChangJin lol
> 
> This was born from discussions I had with two of my friends about changjin and their angst potential. I was feeling very sad and I wrote this to vent. I just like conflicting emotions and silly boys in love.
> 
> Fic has been proofread, but I apologize if there are any mistakes left.
> 
> Enjoy ♡

_The thing is… It feels so good that I want to break it._

  
  


Changbin took Hyunjin to the back of the garden and pushed him against a tree to devour his mouth. Caged between his arms, Hyunjin devoured his mouth in return; sweet tongue tasting like a pink cocktail; sweet skin smelling like apples; sweet little whines like spells that always drove Changbin crazy. 

The night was warm, dark with only the lights coming from the house far, far behind them. Orange and yellow lamps glowing in Hyunjin’s black eyes when he looked down at him with such fondness it scared Changbin a little. Just a little. It sparked some darker desire; very dark and pulsating in his veins, out of control.

He bit in Hyunjin’s neck, earning a painful whine, and slipped his hands under the fabric of his buttoned shirt. He felt Hyunjin’s fingers knotting into his own t-shirt, pulling and pulling, eager and giddy and taking in everything Changbin was willing to give.

With silence as company, all he heard beside Hyunjin’s moans was his own breathing wetting the crook of Hyunjin’s neck and the sound of his pants rutting against Hyunjin’s hip. He found it gross, like he was a bull under the scorching sun; in the noises he made and in his body, in his head. His dick was hard and rubbing against Hyunjin until it hurt.

He let out a snarl and pulled away, palming his bulge in an attempt to ease the pain.

“What’s wrong?” Hyunjin asked in worry, his voice like a whisper.

He looked the way Changbin liked: lips plump and red, black hair tousled because Changbin loved the soft feeling between his fingers when he cupped the back of his skull, legs parted since that was where Changbin belonged, and sadness swimming in his black pools of eyes like an anxious little fish.

“Nothing,” Changbin replied, pushing Hyunjin flat against the tree and kissing him again. 

He felt him relax between his arms. With arms tight around Changbin’s neck, Hyunjin smiled in the kiss. Changbin smiled too. And they were just smiling and kissing and grabbing, pulling, holding onto each other like it was their last time together.

It wasn’t, they were college students and they had all the time in the world.

Changbin felt it pulsating in his veins, all the love trying to dig out from under his skin. It was overwhelming, like he was the one getting buried in all his feelings.

“I love you,” he told him while trailing kisses in his neck.

“I love you too,” Hyunjin replied between giggles because Changbin had started to kiss where it tickled: below his ear.

Changbin loved that sound, Hyunjin’s laugh like another spell, until he decided he didn’t. He pulled away again, Hyunjin looking at him, head tilted and stiff, and went to unzip his pants. Hyunjin glanced down, then he dropped to his knees, right where his face looked pretty from above.

Hyunjin’s mouth was warm and soft, lips like pillows, perfect around Changbin’s dick. But his hair was cold and disheveled from the night and the fist holding him in place. Changbin always felt like love was vomit in the pit of his stomach that tried to climb up his oesophagus, but in the end, it was just cum in the deep of Hyunjin’s throat.

Hyunjin coughed, mouth dripping of semen, as he tried to regain his breathing in the middle of the grass.

Changbin tucked himself back in his pants, staring. He liked the sight, pretty and cute, just like the first time he laid eyes on Hyunjin. And then, there was something stirring in the middle of his chest, dark and ferocious. He stopped breathing, his hand tight around the stud of his pants.

“What’s wrong?” From his spot on the grass, Hyunjin looked innocent. 

He had no idea what was going on in Changbin’s troubled head.

“Nothing.” Without a smile, Changbin offered his hand. 

Hyunjin pulled himself up and they walked hand in hand back to the house where they had previously left the party.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_The thing is that Hyunjin is my first, and the more I spend time with him the more I want._

_But also the more my heart fills in feelings and the more I feel like I’m suffocating._

  
  


They met on campus, through their mutual friends. Changbin was a friend of Jisung who had a friend named Seungmin whose best friend happened to be Hyunjin. They were childhood friends, boy scouts playing together until Jisung went abroad for two years, lost touch, but came back to South Korea because he missed home.

Changbin didn’t take Hyunjin for a boy scout, he hadn’t the face of a kid rolling in the mud, but Changbin hadn’t the attitude for love. He used to be uninterested, mostly because his heart didn’t beat for anyone yet no matter how many people he befriended— quite a lot, but no one as sweet as Hyunjin. Life was indeed full of surprises. 

They clicked despite Hyunjin’s timidity, Changbin getting squeaks of laughs out of him which puffed him up with pride, and soon they became friends, always hanging out altogether even though none of them majored in the same field.

Changbin didn’t know what was coming at the time.

Hyunjin was a sweet boy, silly and adorable, looking at the world like he was still twelve and looking at Changbin like he was so cool, so funny, so skilled because Changbin had the attitude and the confidence to succeed in anything. He was affectionate, something Changbin didn’t mind despite barely initiating physical affection with his friends— Minho and Chan weren’t ones to hug for hours and he had only hugged the girls he had dated in the past. He could hug boys, though. He hugged Jisung and Seungmin a few times before, little boys like his little brothers; unlike Hyunjin. 

With Hyunjin, the difference was that his body always burst into flames; caught out and overwhelmed, but also it felt warm and nice between his legs. Another difference was that anything Hyunjin turned his head upside down, his eyes and his scent and his mouth like a pink flower that always drew Changbin like he was a bee.

Despite his confusion, Changbin liked to flirt. He was good with words, especially words that could make Hyunjin blush, which seemed to be a difficult task since the younger always shut down any attempt to court him— boys and girls alike. Changbin took pride in courting him, it worked, so he went with the flow. Their flirtation always concluded in two ways; one with giggles; another where they got playful and Changbin’s dick rubbed against Hyunjin’s long limbs. 

(Hyunjin’s pretty smile would twist into a cocky grin then, innocent eyes wherein Changbin could still read that little mischievous spark, and Changbin would pull away before he crashed their lips together, suddenly aloof and… disoriented— angry.)

Sometimes, Changbin wondered what made Hyunjin like him a lot, until he chased his thoughts away because one, he hated overthinking, and two, Hyunjin must have seen something in him worth holding onto. 

It made him feel _so fucking_ good. 

He figured that was what love did, even if he wasn’t aware of his feelings at the same.

They were friends first. 

They got to hang out like friends do, although it always felt different, especially when they were both alone in the safety of Changbin’ bedroom.

“Would you come with me to the bus stop?” Hyunjin asked, curled up against Changbin.

(More often than not, even when they weren’t dating, Hyunjin treated him like his boyfriend. His hugs, needy and long. His cuddles, warmer and longer, and full of trust. And the way he’d rub their heads together, all limbs around Changbin like he was his designated seat— all the physical contact that made them both long for each other, more and more.)

“Why would I?”

“Because I ask you to.” Hyunjin gave him a toothy smile.

“You don’t deserve that,” Changbin answered nonchalantly. He was comfy in the deep of the couch, with Hyunjin’s soft hair below his nose and his warmth.

“Why not?”

“You came here so we could both finish our assignments, but all we did was talk, and then you decided to annoy me.”

“Homework is boring,” Hyunjin said while scrunching his nose. “I like your company more, is all.”

Grinning, Changbin pinched the said nose, earning a protest and Hyunjin finally lifted himself with a cute pout.

“Fine, I’ll go alone,” Hyunjin huffed, kneeling down like a cat to pack his stuff.

“Fine.” Changbin watched him, amused. He stretched himself out, catching Hyunjin’s curious eyes. “I only walk my girlfriend to the bus,” he added, smirking since Hyunjin shot him an unimpressed look. “And you’re not my girlfriend.”

“What a relief,” Hyunjin retorted as he slipped on his sneakers and hooked his backpack around his shoulder. “You must have been a really bad boyfriend, given your marital status.”

Changbin snickered at that.

In the end, he walked Hyunjin to the bus stop. It was nine in the evening, chilly, so they held hands— Changbin found it strange at first, but he liked the feeling of Hyunjin’s long fingers between his own. He lived with his parents in a residential zone, so only cats and birds saw their hold; in streets full of strangers, Changbin would have kept his hands in his pockets.

When they arrived, the bus stop was lit by a street lamp that didn’t light much else. Anywhere quiet at night where they were alone together felt like the air vibrated. It made his skin crawl, like time stopped and the sky was about to fall above them. 

He felt Hyunjin’s fingers tug and saw him frown.

“What?” Changbin forced a smile, suddenly hyper aware of the sight that befell him: Hyunjin, his face illuminated by the orange glow of the sky, shiny eyes looking at him curiously and cute, pouty lips. The usual, but there was a shift around them that made Changbin panic a little bit.

“You didn’t listen to me… What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. And I did listen, you talked about Jisung. You talk about Jisung a lot.”

Changbin wondered if Hyunjin talked about him the way he talked about Jisung, or Seungmin, or Felix, or anyone, really. Probably not. Hyunjin liked to keep anything involving him private. Except that time he offered Changbin a pitch black backpack with belts and enough storage for his laptop, notebooks— everything a student needed, and threw a tantrum because Changbin wasn’t using it.

To be fair, he had waited for his old backpack to be worn out, but then Hyunjin had whined _why don’t you donate it and use mine?_ In the end, that’s what he did. Because everyone sided with him.

“Jisung is my friend,” Hyunjin replied, raising an eyebrow. He squeezed their hands. “Come on, what’s wrong? Are you jealous?”

“I’m not jealous,” he said in a detached tone that saddened Hyunjin’s eyes. “I mean, not of Jisung.”

“There’s no one to be jealous of, anyways.” Hyunjin smiled shyly.

(There were a lot of things Hyunjin wasn’t aware of. For instance, Changbin was insecure about his height. While his confidence came naturally as he was growing up, he still wondered _why the hell_ was he born to be short. It didn’t impact anything— he was good at soccer, fast and he still lived his life as he pleased, but there was the mirror and the fact that he still felt fourteen even though he was almost twenty.)

(Then, he thought that he would have been a totally different person if he were taller. And maybe Hyunjin wouldn’t even have liked him.)

“Why so?” Changbin smirked. Despite his insecurity, he trusted him and his feelings, and he knew everything they felt was mutual. Hyunjin was his.

“Because…” Hyunjin’s eyes darted down to his lips, then shot back up to meet Changbin’s. 

He had lovely eyes, intense and full of love; eyes that chased away Changbin’s initial anxiety. The air still vibrated around them, thick and silent, and Hyunjin leaned down, the peak of Changbin’s baseball cap sliding through his hair, and pressed their forehead together.

“If my cap ever falls off my head…” Changbin warned playfully. “We’re breaking up.”

“We’re not together yet,” Hyunjin pointed out as his fingers slipped out of their hold and cupped Changbin’s face. “We have to kiss first.”

Hyunjin’s breath was sweet like the jellies they ate while working on their assignments. His nose was soft, softly brushing against Changbin’s, and his eyes twinkled with joy.

They leaned in at the same time and kissed. Changbin’s baseball cap fell to the side as they deepened the kiss. With their arms tight around each other, they wouldn’t let go. And then, the headlight of the bus ghosted over them. 

“No!” Hyunjin whined, hugging Changbin against his chest and resting his chin atop his head. “I don’t want to leave!”

Changbin laughed, enjoying his place in Hyunjin’s arms. 

“You can still sleep at my place,” he told the younger before placing a kiss on his neck.

“All my stuff is at home,” Hyunjin whined again, sad and pouty.

Changbin stole another kiss before Hyunjin left to take the bus.

He felt loved.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_I can’t get him out of my head._

_My emotions are fucking me up._

  
  


Changbin thought he would have been in control until Hyunjin climbed on his lap like a cat and started licking his mouth. They had kissed before, many times in fact, makeout sessions where they’d touch each other above their clothes, gripping each other like they wanted to rip off their limbs and devour them.

(There were times where they laid on their bed, looking at each other with their shirts folded up to their chests. Changbin’s finger would leave a frail touch over the skin of Hyunjin’s belly, he would count his ribs as Hyunjin would palm one of his pecs and slide his hand down Changbin’s happy trail.)

“I’d really love to do it with you,” Hyunjin confessed between kisses. His arms were wrapped around Changbin’s neck and he was bumping their noses as he was speaking. “I really want to do it. I’ve never done it before, but I want to do it with you.”

Changbin smiled despite the ache in his dick where Hyunjin’s ass kept rubbing. He hissed when Hyunjin shifted closer, flat against his chest, and kissed him again.

(There were times where Hyunjin would slip his hand inside Changbin’s pants and clumsily tug at his dick, his eyes fascinated and watching Changbin’s face contorted by the pleasure.)

“I want to fuck you,” Changbin blurted out as the younger kept grinding harder down his dick. He felt too warm, dazed by that heat and the heaviness of Hyunjin’s body on top of him, by his kisses and by his breath, and especially by his words and how it made Changbin’s dick twitch.

Hyunjin laughed.

“I’d really love that,” he said with a kittenish grin as his hand slipped between Changbin’s thighs to palm his bulge, earning another hiss. He looked down and tilted his head, thinking. “Is it going to fit?” He asked, curious and apprehensive at once. He removed his hand and clutched his chest.

Changbin blinked.

“Inside of you?”

“Yes, inside of me. I only tried with my fingers,” Hyunjin admitted, looking down with rosy cheeks.

And then, Changbin’s head filled in with steamy images of Hyunjin pleasuring himself. Panting, moaning his name. His dick ached even more, feeling the zipper of his pants press where it hurt. He suddenly felt the need to be inside of Hyunjin, between his legs where it should be warm and where it would take away that burning suffocation Changbin was experiencing each time they touched each other.

“Binnie, say something!” Hyunjin voiced in worry. Silence always made him anxious. “Do I gross you out?” Because Hyunjin knew that Changbin had never dated a boy before; that he had never been attracted to a boy at all.

He was fidgety on Changbin’s lap, which took the latter out of his torpor.

“I wouldn’t date you if I was grossed out,” Changbin replied, making Hyunjin smile again. “I love you. I love everything about you.”

“Say it again,” Hyunjin said softly, his eyes humid and intense.

His lips were plush and pouty and ghosting over his own.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Hyunjin kissed him. “So much.” He kissed again. “I want to do it with you.”

They kissed some more. And more, grabbing each other and pulling at their clothes until both of their shirts were thrown across the bedroom and Hyunjin pushed Changbin down against the bed, still straddling him. He had a cheeky smile on, looking down at Changbin with his hands flat on his chest.

“You have tiny nipples,” Changbin observed as his hands couldn’t stop roaming over the younger’s body. One was gripping his thigh while the other slid up his belly, his chest, to thumb at a pink nipple. “It’s pretty.”

“Is everything about me pretty to you?” Hyunjin asked playfully, squirming away and laughing because of Changbin’s finger tickling his nipple. “Stop it!” He tried to bat his hand away, to thumb at his nipples too, without success since Changbin grabbed him and turned them over.

Hyunjin pulled him for a kiss, his legs wrapping around the older’s waist and keeping him in place— not like Changbin had anywhere else to go. 

At some point, Changbin’s hand snaked into the back of Hyunjin’s pants to cup his butt. The younger moaned in the crook of Changbin’s neck where he was leaving hungry bites. His thighs squeezed tighter around his waist, crushing his dick against the zipper of his jeans again like needles.

When Changbin flinched, groaning in pain and pulling away, Hyunjin who flinched almost at the same time curled into himself.

“I should have done that sooner,” he hissed as he opened his zipper and finally, finally, the discomfort— a mix of pleasure and constriction, left.

“I thought I did something wrong!” Hyunjin let out in relief. He sat up, carefully folding his legs underneath his butt. “Does it hurt?”

“Not anymore,” Changbin replied, feeling more relaxed. “I’m still hard,” he said, palming his dick that reacted instantly at his heavy touch. 

He thought about why it didn’t hurt with the two girls he slept with. Probably because girls were softer, warm and wet and curved, whereas Hyunjin had a dick as hard as Changbin. Probably because he never crushed a girl between his arms and never pinned her down like he did with Hyunjin. Probably because girls were smaller, frailer; touching Hyunjin was always like a playful little fight mixed with tenderness, but it were mostly harsh, hungry hands and a few shoves.

Probably because he hadn’t wanted them as much as he wanted Hyunjin.

Probably because he had never been crazy about someone like he was crazy about Hyunjin.

“Do you still want to do it?” Hyunjin asked timidly.

He looked small with his hands playing with a fold of his pants.

“I do. And you?”

“Me too.” Hyunjin smiled and leaned over to capture his mouth into a sweet kiss. He cupped his cheek, his touch gentle, and bumped their noses together. “But I don’t want you to be hurt again. What if you don’t like it anymore?”

He was worried, Changbin could read his thoughts through his eyes: _what if you don’t like me anymore,_ _me who is tall and lean, me who has a bit of hair and a flat chest, me who is heavier._

“Hyunjin... You don’t know much I want you, do you?” Changbin felt his lips thin and his fists tighten instinctively, like he was in conflict with something nameless. “I don’t care if you have a dick. To be honest…” He purposely trailed, taking in Hyunjin’s round eyes. He paused for long seconds, and then he playfully added: “You have a pretty penis, like anime ones.”

Hyunjin gasped, sitting back on his heels.

“You’ve never seen my dick!”

“It’s time I do! Why am I the only one being naked all the time?” Changbin teasingly bit back.

It was either Hyunjin blowing him or Hyunjin jacking him off, but he had never returned the favor. 

(There were times when Hyunjin came into his pants after riding Changbin’s thigh. He would whine in Changbin’s neck, twitching because it felt too good, while Changbin grabbed his ass as he thrusted his thigh up to stimulate him. Hyunjin’s hand would curl into a fist full of Changbin’s shirt and his teeth always ended up biting his shoulder.)

“Because you’re hot. Why else?”

“And you’re not?”

“I’m shy!” Hyunjin defended himself, his face adorning a prissy look. And Changbin burst into laughter. “What’s so funny? Can’t I be shy with my man?”

All this acting to tantalize Changbin.

“What if your man doesn’t want you to be shy?”

“Then, he should just say so…” Hyunjin replied softly. “You never tell me what you want to do or not do.”

Changbin frowned, which immediately filled worry in Hyunjin’s eyes. 

What made them who they were together was the fact that they expressed what they felt through touches, because they never knew how to express it with words. Part of it stemmed from Changbin’s reserve with his thoughts and Hyunjin’s insecurities that made him keep quiet most of the time.

“But, weren’t we talking just now? We told each other we wanted to have sex.”

“You didn’t tell me that you were in pain.”

“That was my problem, not yours,” Changbin said, a tad too aggressive. His eyes focused on his flat chest, on his tiny waist, on his stomach that hid little abs. As he noticed his stare, Hyunjin tried to hide himself behind his hands. “Sorry,” Changbin apologized. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“See,” Hyunjin began carefully. “We’re dating. We’re together now. We have to say what’s in our minds.” He brought his knees against his chest, like a shield. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” Changbin said again. His dick was slowly deflating as he didn’t feel like he had the right to be hard when Hyunjin looked this sad. “We can do something else.”

“Like what?” Hyunjin placed his chin atop his knees and pouted.

“Like the things we always do when we’re together. Dating isn’t just sex.”

“But… I wanted to do it,” he said, his voice small.

“Me too,” Changbin admitted. Sex was important to Hyunjin, he figured. First love, first kiss, first time. All of it mattered, and Changbin wanted to live up to his boy’s expectations, he did. But he was imperfect, and he hoped Hyunjin would love him a little longer. “Do I disappoint you?”

“Of course not!” Hyunjin exclaimed as his eyebrows knitted cutely— he was harmless, really. “How can you say that? We have all the time in the world. Unless you dump me...”

“I will never dump you,” Changbin countered, letting himself be embraced in Hyunjin’s arms. He hugged him back.

Being separated was out of the question.

“Then we have until we die.”

“You want to die with me?” He asked, warmed by the younger’s words and what it implied.

“Yes... Don’t you?” Hyunjin pouted, placing their foreheads against one another.

“I do. But I’m planning to fuck you before I turn twenty,” Changbin said, feeling playful again.

“You promise you will tell me if your dick gets stuck in your zipper again?”

“Yes.”

In the end, they laid in bed. Changbin’s initial trouble disappearing as Hyunjin was happy in his arms, munching on chips and criticizing the movie they were watching.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Two weeks later, they did it in Hyunjin’s bedroom, with his parents and their puppy in the living room.

They were half studying, Hyunjin half chatting with a friend— Jisung, given how much he was smiling and giggling before his phone. So, Changbin asked what made him laugh like that and Hyunjin showed him a picture of a drawer full of condoms.

“I don’t want to know why Jisung has so many condoms in his drawer,” he nonchalantly said while highlighting the definitions in his textbook.

“It’s not his drawer, it’s Minho’s!” Hyunjin replied with a devilish grin.

“Minho?” Changbin raised an eyebrow. “He would never stock a shit load of condoms in his drawer for everyone to see.”

“That’s the thing… He didn’t. Jisung did.”

“They’re dating?”

“Yes, it’s been a month.” Hyunjin discarded his own textbook and flopped against Changbin, comfy with his tongue stuck between his lips.

They were sitting at a coffee table, school supplies and papers everywhere around them. Changbin managed to get one full hour of studying without Hyunjin bothering him, but now he had Hyunjin’s head on his lap and the whiff of his shampoo in his nose.

“What are you two talking about?”

“That Minho doesn’t like to have sex when his cats are there.”

“Makes sense, I wouldn’t have sex with your dog here either,” Changbin teased.

“That’s why my dog isn’t here with us,” Hyunjin said, his face adorning a playful grin.

“How do you know about Minho’s sex life, anyway?”

“Jisung told me.”

“Does Jisung tell you about his own sex life?

“Yes!”

“Do you talk about your sex life?”

“Yes.”

“Does Jisung know about my sex life?” Changbin looked down and Hyunjin stuck out his tongue at him. “What are you telling him?” He asked, not liking the fact that Jisung, out of all people, knew about his zipper getting in his dick’s way. And then, what? Minho would know too, and they would probably relate this story every chance they got.

“Nothing, don’t worry,” Hyunjin reassured him with a lopsided smile. He lifted himself with the help of his hands and kissed Changbin from below. Soft, sweet, delicious. “I’m studying now, I promise.”

They studied for another thirty minutes until Hyunjin whined because it wasn’t fair how he had to study when his boyfriend was here. Alone with him. Changbin capitulated— it wasn’t like Hyunjin always led him by the nose, and cuddled with him in bed as his laptop played a tv show.

Soon, the laptop was abandoned in favor of kisses. 

They were both comfortable against the pillows, clean and in pajamas, and Changbin wasn’t thinking too much for once. He let his hands go astray over Hyunjin’s body. He kept himself in control, slightly grinding down Hyunin’s thigh. He told Hyunjin when his dick started to hurt, too sensitive against the fabric of his sweatpants.

So, they undressed each other while kissing because it was never enough. Changbin saw Hyunjin’s dick that was just that, a dick; longer and slimmer than his own, and hairless as Hyunjin liked to be that way. Touching Hyunjin’s was like touching his own. It made Hyunjin moan softly which became Changbin’s favorite sound to hear because it was pretty and had Changbin groaning a little.

They used saliva as lube. Not the best choice, but they didn’t want to part; they couldn’t bring themselves to. Hyunjin showed how he pleasured himself and Changbin almost lost control. Almost. He slipped one finger in Hyunjin’s hole, fascinated, then a second, and kept staring at Hyunjin’s face twisted in pleasure. 

He was beautiful, a sight Changbin had always dreamed of.

Little did Changbin know that Hyunjin, on the other hand, had already lost control. He wanted… Everything. _Everything._ And he wanted it now. He wanted Changbin, he kept pulling him between his interminable legs, tugging at his dick, kissing him, biting his lips, his neck, his shoulders.

He was wrapped around Changbin like a cat at its branch, too scared to fall— wrong metaphor, but Changbin did feel Hyunjin’s nails scratching his skin like claws. 

_Everything._

It hurt as he didn’t slide in Hyunjin easily. But it felt so good as much as it hurt, Hyunjin told him. It felt so good.

He was tight around his dick. So warm and tight. Changbin didn’t know how he managed to not come after the first three thrusts. Like the first time Hyunjin blew him, it took a few licks and Hyunjin’s hollow cheeks before he burst into his mouth.

When the bed creaked by the strength of their movements, they both froze and then laughed.

It was weird, to laugh and to breathe hard at the same time, but it felt twice better, it added to their bond beautifully. And it was as fun to keep themselves quiet while making love.

They didn’t last long, though. They both came quickly, with Changbin’s nose running along Hyunjin’s throat, trailing hungry kisses, and he came in Hyunjin as they didn’t have any condoms— they figured that they were both clean, Hyunjin was a virgin and Changbin had always used protection in the past.

They had made love and they were now happy. It wasn’t perfect like depicted in movies, but they wouldn’t trade their experience together for anything else. Their first time had been the reflection of how they both were; passionate, clumsy and silly.

After that, they cleaned themselves with the pack of tissue kept at the bottom of Changbin’s backpack. They changed back to their pajamas and flopped down on the bed after having refreshed it— they just shook the blanket under the open window as if it would magically dry their sweat.

Hyunjin fell asleep in Changbin’s arms as soon as his eyes fluttered shut, leaving Changbin in his thoughts.

He was sleepy too, but couldn’t stop thinking about Hyunjin. Naked or clothed. Laughing or moaning. His scent and the feeling of his skin, of his hair against his fingers. Changbin didn’t know that it was possible to love more, but here he was, loving Hyunjin more.

After a while, he quietly went to pee, carefully extracting himself from Hyunjin’s long limbs. 

When he came back, he found Hyunjin sitting up and awake.

“Is everything alright?” The younger asked softly.

“Yes, I just went to take a piss,” Changbin replied as he crawled back in the bed. He kissed Hyunjin’s forehead and laid down. Hyunjin curled around him. “Did I wake you?”

“The toilet flush did. And you were gone. I was worried.”

“Why would I leave in the middle of the night?” Changbin laughed, pinching Hyunjin’s cheek. 

“I don’t know… I was confused and I panicked.”

Changbin could see his pout. He tapped it with his index finger.

“I’d never leave you.”

Hyunjin hummed.

“You’re so romantic when we’re alone,” he pointed out, grinning.

“You’re so nice when we’re alone,” Changbin retorted, remembering how a pain in the ass Hyunjin could be sometimes. Teasing everyone in their circle of friends like a little runt and crying out when they counterattacked. 

“If I’m too nice elsewhere, I’m going to get hurt,” Hyunjin confessed. “I have to be a little annoying, so they can’t see me as an easy prey.”

Changbin frowned.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know how the world is,” Hyunjin whispered, his lips jutting into a pout again. “People are mean. They can’t see when I’m hurt.”

“I’ll beat them up,” Changbin let out, threading his fingers through Hyunjin’s soft hair.

The younger laughed.

“I know, you will. Anyways, I’m like this because I trust you,” Hyunjin sleepily said, snuggling up against Changbin more than he already was.

Changbin hummed.

“I might hurt you. And you might hurt me too.”

“We will work it out, I know it.”

“Why?”

“Because we love each other.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


There were things Changbin didn’t like. Like questions about what he felt for Hyunjin, for example. He was aware that anyone could read his feelings just by the look in his eyes and by all the back and forth flirting he did with Hyunjin, but that didn’t mean he liked the reminder.

It was awkward. 

It was like having a finger pointed at yourself and someone mocking you for being in love.

However, his reflection wasn’t fair to Chan who had asked if everything went well with Hyunjin simply because he cared about them. He would ask the same question to anyone in their circle of friends. So, Changbin emptied his head of his negative thoughts and forced a grin.

“Everything’s fine,” he replied, maybe a bit too tepid.

Chan shot him a quizzical look above the cup of tea he had brought to his lips. They were sitting in the corner of a coffee shop, helping each other reeling out their lessons.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just told you that everything is fine,” Changbin pointed out, ticked off.

“C’mon, I know you like I made you.” Chan raised an eyebrow while sipping his tea loudly, which ticked off Changbin some more. “Why are you brooding?”

“I’m not brooding. I’m just stressed because finals are coming.”

“Why do you always close off each time someone mentions Hyunjin?” Chan asked instead of picking on how stressed Changbin suppodelly was. “We’re all happy for you two.”

“I know.”

“Then, what’s the problem?”

“You’re all too curious.”

“We are because we care. Also, what's so wrong about being in love with someone?”

“I didn’t say there was something wrong with that.”

“You’re not acting like everything is fine.”

Changbin let out a sigh. He uncrossed his arms, suddenly aware of how tight he had crossed them over his chest, and extended his legs in a more relaxed posture. He met eyes with Chan’s gentle ones. No malice, simply genuine care.

“I’m kinda scared because I’ve never felt something like that before,” he murmured while playing with the red napkins on the table. “I think sometimes I hurt him. Not on purpose, but I still do.”

“What do you mean? In bed?”

“Yeah, in bed. I’m too harsh, I think.”

“Doesn’t he like it that way?” Chan asked curiously.

“Um… I don’t think he notices. I just grip him too tight sometimes.”

“It happens during sex, you get carried away. What’s important is that you’re aware of everything you’re doing.”

“Does it happen to you too?” Changbin took a sip of his own drink, wondering if sex should be done like a fight.

Probably not.

“Yes, it happens to me too. I’m living in the moment so I often forget about my strength. It can happen to anyone I guess,” Chan trailed, frowning as he wasn’t satisfied with his own answer. What a crappy response to a big problem, he thought. “But sex is something you share with your partner, right? Which makes you hyper aware of them. So, you’ll know if you really hurt Hyunjin. He’ll scream and push you away, for sure.”

That had Changbin grinning as images of Hyunjin’s bratty face came into his mind.

“Makes sense,” he said quietly. “Thank you.”

Sometimes, talking felt better than being in an eternal state of gloom.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


At noon, they laid in the park behind the campus. It had trees and benches and a nice, appeasing silence.

Minho and Jisung were napping next to them— Minho’s arm under Jisung’s head, and Changbin was staring at the blue sky. Hyunjin had his nose in his textbook, but soon discarded it to roll over Changbin in a whine.

“How do you guys do to relax,” he whined again. 

Changbin could see his pout in his peripheral view.

“Empty your head,” Changbin whispered. He felt so peaceful under the beautiful sky, with only grass and the coolness of the wind.

“I can’t, there are too many thoughts,” he heard Hyunjin say.

He hummed, his own head void of thoughts, then felt Hyunjin’s breath ghost over his face. He averted his eyes from the sky to see his boy smile and move to rest his pretty head on his belly, his skinny hands curled against his ribcage. Changbin instinctively reached to thread his fingers through his hair, earning an appreciative smile from the younger.

“Tell me what’s on your mind,” Changbin offered after a few minutes. “Is it school?”

“Nah, I’m thinking about you.”

“About me?”

“Yes… About something I want to do with you,” Hyunjin replied as he looked straight into his eyes. “I want to…” He glanced at Minho and Jisung still asleep next to them, and shyly murmured: “To put my key in your lock.”

Changbin cracked a laugh, patting his little head in the process.

“Nope. There’s nothing going near my ass anytime soon.”

“Why not?” Hyunjin’s lower lip jutted into a pout.

Changbin took a quick breath and let out:

“I don’t want to.”

He didn’t know why, but he dreaded the thought.

“Okay,” Hyunjin said with a sweet smile. “I was just asking. I’m glad I know.” 

He reached to hold Changbin’s hand still in his hair and brought it against his chest, his eyes fond and his smile still as sweet.

“Maybe one day,” Changbin told him in whisper as he was suddenly feeling vulnerable. “Or not,” he added, backing off on his own word. Words mattered, he couldn’t say something he wasn’t committed to.

“It’s okay if it never happens. It’s not important anyways, I was just curious,” Hyunjin reassured him, bringing Changbin’s hand to his mouth and smooching it.

Wet, gross. 

Changbin scrunched his nose in disgust, laughing.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Hyunjin is like a tasty fruit with a needle hidden inside._ _  
_ _And I’m already addicted to the prickly feeling._

  
  


There are times they fight so much their fists wound.

There are times they love so much their lips wound.

They were both matchsticks, once set on fire, it grew to a bigger flame.

They were prideful, impetuous and sometimes, very foolish.

For example, they were yelling a lot for nothing. Both moody and unable to communicate until they cried because words hurt, but they didn’t intend to hurt each other. All the reasons they fought were really trivial, insignificant, yet they cared so much about each other that they also cared about everything else. 

Jealousy was a little seed that hurt them both. Hyunjin with that handsome teacher called Jinyoung. Changbin with that cool girl he liked to banter with. As they wouldn’t talk about this insecurity of theirs, they expressed their anxiety through their bodies, meaning that little by little, they started to distance themselves.

They loved so much that they cared so much, and caring so much was driving Changbin insane. Added to all the gloom he was feeling, nameless, colorless, tasteless, just a vice around him, it didn’t help him define what was so wrong. 

The way they completed each other also made them clash a lot. Despite that, they were still orbiting around each other, loving and apologizing and forgetting everything like nothing happened.

Sometimes, Changbin would find Hyunjin looking at the redness of his wrist, or a bruise on his thigh, and he would remember the night during which they fucked like animals. He would remember the way he breathed like a bull, grossed out by himself. 

Of course, he had marks too, but none as blue as Hyunjin’s. 

“Does it hurt?” He asked the younger as he sat next to him at the library.

It was as quiet as a library could be, with groups of students studying together and the sound of the wind against the large windows.

“No, it doesn’t.” Hyunjin spoke softly, smiling at Changbin and taking the book the older handed him. “Thanks.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.” He shot him a quizzical look, his hands neatly folded over the book. “Why?”

“It’s weird. I did this to you.”

“You didn’t do this to me. We did things together,” he countered, not liking the fact that Changbin always thought as if they were _two_ and not _one_ like he believed.

“I bruised you.”

“I bruised you too.”

“Alright. Does that make it healthy? I don’t think so.”

“We just get carried away a little. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He tried to sound convincing, but Changbin let out a frustrated sigh. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“I just don’t like seeing it.”

“I can cover my bruises—”

“No, that’s not…” Changbin didn’t finish his sentence, he just let his head fall on his textbook. He sensed Hyunjin’s hand on his knee, squeezing a little, and felt his warmth as he scooted closer.

“I want to understand. Please, tell me,” the younger murmured in a plea.

Changbin couldn’t bear with the moist of the paper as his hard breathing reminded him of how he sounded when he panted during sex, so he flopped back against the chair and looked at a worried Hyunjin.

“Am I like this because you’re a boy and I know you can take it?” He asked, low, like a secret.

He watched the knit of Hyunjin’s eyebrows and his cheeks puffing up a little. Angry.

“Like you are like what? You’re not like anything or anyone. You treat me like you always did even before we started dating. You realize that I’m just as bad? We wouldn’t be us if we were… passive and calm.” Hyunjin paused, giving him a defiant look. “You seem to think there’s something wrong about us… Honestly, it pains me.”

“Hey, no—” Changbin tried to speak because he didn’t like the sadness of Hyunjin’s voice.

“You do. I know it’s confusing to date me after dating girls. I know how weird it is to be in a relationship with someone you feel like you’re not allowed to date.” Hyunjin crossed his arms over the table and averted his eyes to his textbook. “Is it so bad to be with me?”

“No.”

“Then, why can’t we just be us?”

Hyunjin’s sad form and pout had Changbin draping his arm over his shoulder in a comforting semi hug. 

“I’m sorry,” Changbin murmured against the shell of his little ear. “You’re right, but…” Hyunjin looked at him with sorrow. “Why do you let me hit you?” He was still processing the younger’s words, and while what he said made sense, Changbin still wondered why he was always so impulsive, so dominating. He always tried to fix his personality to accommodate himself to people and therefore, to make them happy. 

However, he couldn’t manage that with Hyunjin, their bond was bloody raw, like they would never be tamed.

“You’re not hitting me.” Hyunjin slightly frowned. “We’re playing.”

“We’re not playing if you don’t hit me.”

“I shove you away.”

“Shoving isn’t as bad as hitting.”

“Binnie…” Hyunjin called him softly. “You’re allowed to do anything to me.”

“What—”

“The only thing you’re not allowed to do is stop loving me.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Lonely.

That was what was wrong.

After all this time, he figured that he was simply lonely. With friends, a family and a boyfriend, it still felt out of place. Alone. And it had nothing to do with love, nothing to do with friendship, nothing to do with the ones in his life, but everything to do with those intrusive thoughts that convinced him that he would never find happiness.

Fights with Hyunjin happened a lot, and the more it happened, the more they made peace, the more it wore him out.

Hyunjin had the talent to rile him up without saying anything. He would just ignore Changbin for stupid reasons such as _you’re spending too much time with her,_ and he would himself spend a lot of time with this teacher he admired. Which didn’t make any sense, but that was Hyunjin: spontaneous like a hot headed child.

And the next day, he would hug Changbin from behind like nothing happened.

Except today, today was too much.

He couldn’t sleep. It was two in the morning, he was supposed to study as finals were next week, but the build up tension between them was too much to take. They hadn’t been talking for days; Hyunjin was spending time— studying, with nameless dudes and Changbin wanted to blow up his head like a pumpkin.

He was very lonely, very sad, very angry.

In the darkness of his bedroom, he took out his phone and texted Hyunjin. He typed _I need you_ and hit send, expecting a response because surely, Hyunjin would be awake at this time and studying like they all were.

Minho and Jisung were together, they had sent pictures of snacks they brought while studying. Felix and Seungmin were together too, having a sleepover to let go of the stress because _fuck,_ why not. Chan had just sent a picture of his lap along a thumb up, but the purple nails of his girlfriend gripping the inside of his thigh could be seen.

And Changbin? He was all alone, and brooding because his boyfriend would rather spend time with some old fucks.

Chan told him fights happened to all couples because that was what made them humans. But then, he couldn’t explain why Minho and Jisung had only one fight every three decades. Seungmin told him that he was as stupid as Hyunjin and that they should just both swallow their prides.

Not like he asked them for advice, but they had eyes and knew them better than they probably knew themselves.

It took a few, long and frustrating minutes until Hyunjin replied with an _on my way._ Changbin expected that. Despite all the conflicts, they would without a doubt always be there for each other.

Hyunjin rang the bell of his house twenty minutes or so later— Changbin heard him from his spot in the kitchen as he was preparing two water bottles and jellies. He was placing the bicycle against the front of the house when Changbin opened the door to let him in. 

Hyunjin was in football shorts and a simple t-shirt, his backpack hung off his shoulder and his hair was tousled by the ride he had just taken. 

Under the light of the moon, Changbin felt the need to kiss him.

He did, he crossed the distance and kissed him.

Hyunjin cupped his cheeks and kissed him back.

And then they hugged. Tight and warm, in the silence of the night with only their heartbeats and the slowness of their breathings.

“Are you alright?” Hyunjin asked, resting their foreheads together.

“I’m sick of this,” Changbin replied, looking at him in the eyes. “I feel like shit all the time. There are things we need to discuss.”

Hyunjin nodded.

They went in Changbin’s bedroom quietly, their feet bare against the cold wooden floor, and sat face to face on the small couch under the window.

“What’s wrong?” Hyunjin hugged his knees, his chin atop them, staring with sad, pretty eyes.

And it started. The question ticked Changbin off; wondering why there always was something wrong with him; wondering if Hyunjin ever felt this shitty; wondering if he would ever be able to tell him how lonely he felt despite not knowing _why._

“I hate Jinyoung,” he blurted out, his voice colder than he intended. “I don’t know him but I hate him.”

He had his arms crossed over his chest, like a shield protecting him against who knew what. 

(But not against Hyunjin.)

“You don’t even know him,” Hyunjin protested, lifting his head in defiance.

“I still hate him.”

“Well, I hate that girl!”

“You don’t even know her,” Changbin bit back, knowing he had won because Hyunjin thinned his lips, defeated. “Anyways, I hate Jinyoung because you’re always with him.”

“So, what? You’re always with her.”

“I’m not _with_ her. She happens to be there because we’re in the same class and have the same friends. You are spending time with a teacher, out of all people,” Changbin explained. His anger was intensifying as he was speaking, all the negative thoughts coming one by one. “I don’t understand you sometimes, you’re so moody. You always make me feel like I did something wrong.”

Hyunjin stayed quiet. Changbin read his eyes where emotions flooded in swimming like panicked little fishes; pretty and everything Changbin loved.

“You barely react when I try to hug you. You don’t touch me anymore,” Hyunjin said in a small voice. “And each time I ask what’s wrong, you never tell me anything.”

“This is my fault? Because I didn’t hug you that one time?”

That wasn’t fair. Even when Changbin wasn’t reacting, he still let Hyunjin cling to him. He liked the attention, of course he did, especially from his lover, but he believed hugs should be shared in private and not on campus.

He loved hugging Hyunjin when they were alone for the hugs to last forever.

“I know it sounds stupid, but it feels like you don’t like me anymore...” Hyunjin averted his eyes, pouting.

“You make a lot of shortcuts for someone so loud,” Changbin sighed. “And then, you decide that the best solution is to ignore me and spend time with everyone but me? How do you think it makes me feel?”

“Bad? That’s what I was aiming for…”

Changbin let his arms fall to his side and his head lolled back where he could see the black sky and its sea of stars.

“Well, congrats.” 

He wanted to cry.

There was a short silence, until he felt Hyunjin’s warmth envelop him like a coat.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin murmured, his voice thick of tears, as he snuggled into him. “I regret it. I always assume things and it hurts you. I’m sorry.”

“What do you want from me?” Changbin asked while his hands stayed limp on his lap.

He wanted to touch Hyunjin, but the younger didn’t deserve it at the moment.

“Everything,” the younger softly replied.

“Everything?”

“I’m in love with you, so I want everything until we die together,” he explained like it made so much sense. It kinda did.

Changbin couldn’t help a chuckle at the absurdity he was hearing. The romantic absurdity.

Hearing his laugh, Hyunjin lifted himself as his lips curled into a relieved smile.

“Do I make you happy?” Changbin asked.

“You do, even when we fight.”

“Are you happy when we fight? When you purposely make me suffer?”

Hyunjin hastly shook his head and grabbed his hand.

“I love you even when I’m mad at you. You’re precious to me. It’s just…” His eyes went astray, looking at where it was black in the depth of the bedroom. “My emotions get the upper hand and I stop thinking. I regret it. Each time.”

“Okay.”

“You’re the one I love,” he said, meeting his eyes. “You’re my favorite person in the world.”

“Really?” Changbin doubted that, sometimes.

“You don’t trust me anymore…” Tears began to gather in the corner of his eyes. “I regret everything.” His voice broke as panic filled his eyes.

“Hey, hey, hey— Don’t cry.” Changbin, suddenly alert, cupped his wet cheek. “We’re not breaking up. Please, stop crying.”

But the tears kept running down his cheeks, the mucus started to run down his nose, and Changbin wiped everything with the sleeve of his sweater.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin managed to say between sobs. He fell in Changbin’s arms who hugged him tighter against his chest and rubbed his back in comfort.

Driven by his emotions and the sound of Hyunjin’s cries, Changbin’s eyes began watering.

He sniffled, one, two, three times until Hyunjin looked up at him with wide eyes.

“Do I make you happy?” He cupped his face.

It was all so gross, tears and mucus and wet spots on their clothes.

“I don’t know,” Changbin admitted, sniffing. He dried his tears with the hem of his sweater. “I think I’m unhappy in general, but not when I’m with my friends or with you. Unless we fight, then it pisses me off.”

“Binnie…” Hyunjin whispered before intertwining his fingers with Changbin’s. “I’ll always be there for you, I promise.”

“I know.”

“I love you so much,” he told him with determination, honesty, his heart open for Changbin to take.

“Me too.”

And then Hyunjin pursed his lips, and asked:

“What’s wrong?”

“I am lonely.”

“Is there something I can do?”

“Stay here tonight.”

“I wasn’t planning to leave. I even brought my stuff here,” he said, pointing at his backpack placed next to Changbin’s against the wall. “I hoped to fix this, I’m glad we did.” Gently, he seated himself on Changbin’s lap and wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

“We have to set some boundaries,” Changbin told him while tapping his fingers on the younger’s thighs.

“We do.”

“What are yours?”

“I just want hugs.”

Changbin smiled in amusement.

“Is that all?”

“Yes. I promise I won’t be jealous of her anymore.”

“It’s not only your jealousy, it’s your reaction after you see me with her…”

Hyunjin instinctively tightened his hold and pressed their heads together.

“I’m so sorry. I know now. I’ll tell you whenever I feel upset.”

“That’s the thing, we have to tell each other why we’re upset.”

“Okay.”

So, Changbin hugged Hyunjin back. And then, compelled by their feelings, they kissed. A simple tears tasting kiss until they got carried away because _fuck,_ they had missed each other. Their kisses grew hungry and Hyunjin’s hand sneaked between Changbin’s legs, rubbing him over his pants.

“You don’t have to—” Changbin tried to say before hissing as it had been a long time since the younger touched him.

“I want to,” Hyunjin told him against his mouth. “Let me make you feel good.”

With that, Hyunjin slipped off his lap and dropped on his knees, his head between Changbin’s legs. He kept eye contact while bringing it to his mouth. He gave kitten licks, and the feeling of it had Changbin groaning a little, his hips slightly pressing up for Hyunjin to take him in his mouth.

When Hyunjin started hollowing his cheeks and bobbing his head, Changbin’s hand reached to cup the back of his skull to fist his hair. His legs kept jolting as the pleasure spread all to his toes. He covered his mouth with his own hand to muffle his groans, but he could still hear the wet and filthy sounds of Hyunjin’s gag reflex.

He came inside his mouth, his head flooded by _Hyunjin, Hyunjin, only Hyunjin,_ and as he was slowly sliding his dick off, he wiped the tip against Hyunjin’s tongue.

Then, he lolled his head back, catching his respiration while focusing his mind back on his surroundings; his bedroom, dark with the only the light of the moon. And Hyunjin sitting on the floor and eating the candies Changbin had brought earlier.

Feeling his stare, Hyunjin turned his head and rested his chin atop Changbin’s knee. 

Changbin reached to pet his pretty little head and Hyunjin gave him a toothy smile.

“What were you studying?” The younger asked as he scanned the textbooks and flashcards on the coffee table. “Do you want any help?”

“Actually, yes,” Changbin replied, forcing himself out of his torpor. He felt relaxed, his head void of negative emotions and ready for school.

So, he flopped next to Hyunjin on the floor who took a flashcard— throwing leg over Changbin’s in the process and wiggling his foot happily, and Changbin started to recite his lesson.

It was almost four in the morning when they decided to go to sleep. They fell asleep with Hyunjin draped all over Changbin, and woke up at eleven when Changbin’s sister knocked on the door. She always did that when Changbin was oversleeping.

They went to the bathroom together, sitting in the bathtub and shampooing each other's hair. Hyunjin tried to kick him because he got soap in his eyes, and squeaked when Changbin caught his ankle and pulled him to make him fall backwards in the water.

After that, they joined Changbin’s sister on the patio. It was chilly, but the sun rays warmed them as they ate fruits and talked about college since finals were next week.

She knew about them, that was why Hyunjin made himself small and snuggled up into Changbin’s chest like it was where he felt the most comfortable.

Changbin simply rested his arm around him until Hyunjin looked up at him with mischievous eyes and poked his sides.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


For Hyunjin’s last exam, Changbin accompanied him.

It was the oral examination Hyunjin had dreaded throughout the year, so Changbin held his hand in the hall outside the class while he waited for his turn. They were sitting against the wall, Hyunjin curled on himself with Changbin’s hand squeezed against his chest where he held him with both hands.

“What if I fail?” Hyunjin voiced in a tiny, anxious voice.

“You won’t. You studied for it.”

“But _what if_ I fail? Will you be disappointed?”

“Yes, very. I’ll dump you and find someone better,” Changbin told him ironically, grinning.

Hyunjin pouted.

“Well, then I hope you’ll fail too, so we can date again as two failures.” Hyunjin’s pout twisted into a cheeky grin. He was feeling a bit less stressed.

Changbin snickered.

_Of course._

“You’ll make it. Trust yourself.” He squeezed Hyunjin’s hands that constricted his own in his tight grasp.

Hyunjin nodded, then a student walked out of the class with slumped shoulders and it made Hyunjin panic as it would soon be his turn.

“I can’t. I can’t— I need to read my flashcards.” He let go of his hold and reached towards his bag. His breathing sped up as he unzipped his bag and grabbed his flashcards.

“Stop,” Changbin ordered. “Hyunjin, stop. There’s no need to read what you already know.”

“But I feel like I forgot everything,” the younger whined quietly, his lips, his hands, his legs shaking.

“Look at me.” Changbin grabbed his hands, Hyunjin staring at him with agitated eyes. “Get up.” He pulled him up in a standing position and let go. “Spread your arms, chin up. Do it like me.” Hyunjin mirrored his posture without thinking. “Take a deep breath.”

Hyunjin didn’t take one, but three deep breaths. He was still feeling anxious, though. Unconsciously, he folded his arms against his chest and— 

“No, open up,” Changbin grabbed his wrists and pulled them up towards the ceiling. “Stretch. It helps. And breathe again, like you’re emptying your lungs for good.”

Once Hyunjin exhaled, he felt lighter, better.

“I’m so lucky to have you.” He smiled, Changbin smirking.

As expected, the exam went well.

When he got out of the class, he jumped into Changbin’s arms and hugged him tight.

“I made it!”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Do you want kids?” Hyunjin asked from his spot in the bathtub. “Because I can’t give you kids.”

He was looking at Changbin with sleepy eyes and his lips curved downward.

“You’re not supposed to _give_ _me_ anything.”

“I feel like we’re destined but I can’t give you kids. What about your legacy?”

“What about it?” Changbin repeated while rinsing Hyunjin’s hair full of shampoo.

He had been partying to celebrate the end of finals— they all passed, and Seungmin had called Changbin at ten in the evening because Hyunjin was drunk and crying and asking for him. Changbin, who had been drinking with his classmates in a bar nearby, picked him up and went home in a cab. Hyunjin hadn’t been able to stop crying during the ride, he had only calmed when Changbin sat him down on the bed and left a kiss atop his head.

Then, he had undressed Hyunjin, who smelled too much like beer, to put him in the bath.

“You won’t have kids because I have a pee-pee!” Hyunjin whined, hugging his knees and pouting.

“I’m twenty, I don’t want kids,” Changbin told him with an amused smile. “You’re not born to give something to someone, you know.”

“But—”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because the girls I was with talked about kids and asked me if I wanted kids, and then I said no, but thought that maybe you did? And then I thought about our future and it was so scary and suddenly I missed you, so I wanted to get out and I tripped and had beer on me, and it smelled _soooo bad_ I started crying. I know, it’s stupid.”

Changbin hummed to indicate that he was listening while still rinsing the soap off Hyunjin’s body.

Whenever Changbin got _bad_ drunk, he would crash on Chan’s couch and bitch about the world, and he would wake up feeling like shit and feeling like he was rotten inside which was partly why he cut down alcohol now. That, and the fact that he had drunk sex with Hyunjin once and didn’t even remember most of what happened that night. 

Neither did Hyunjin.

“Anyways, I don’t care about kids or anything anymore,” Hyunjin said after finishing his story. “How was your night?”

“It was fine. But it’s better now that you’re with me.” Changbin grinned. He helped him out of the bathtub, wrapped him in a towel and proceeded to dry him. Hyunjin simply stood there, watching him with a sleepy smile.

“Was she there too? That cool girl...”

“Yes.” That had Hyunjin pouting again. “Don’t worry. Everyone knows I’m all yours,” Changbin reassured him while taking him to the bedroom. “Besides, you’re the coolest person I know.”

“You’re the coolest person I know too,” Hyunjin chirped as he slipped on a boxer and t-shirt that both belonged to his boyfriend.

“Of course I am,” Changbin replied with a cheeky grin.

Hyunjin fell asleep as soon as he buried himself under the covers.

So, Changbin quickly washed before playing games on his laptop until midnight. After that, he slid in bed next to Hyunjin, played with his hair a little and fell asleep.

In the morning, they ate breakfast on the patio and scrolled online, looking for part-time jobs. It was the summer holidays, and honestly, they just wanted to laze around and spend time together with their friends, but money was money.

“Working is not fun…” Hyunjin complained, crunching cereales. His leg was dangling, curled around Changbin’s thigh who was slumped over the table. “But I’ll get stressed if I don’t do anything.”

“Me too, but I need a break right now.” Changbin let out a sigh as he turned off his phone. Dating Hyunjin was far from peaceful. It weren’t their fights— he liked the sex after the fights, because that were what made them so passionate about each other, however it was dating someone almost everyone had eyes on, and feeling heavy from the weight of all his own insecurities. He wished he had confidence in that departement too.

At least they were away from college for a month, and he wouldn’t have to deal with Hyunjin being hit on left and right— he knew he was being dramatic, but how one beat jealousy up until it died?

“A break? What’s wrong?” Hyunjin dropped off his spoon loudly in the bowl. He wrapped his slim arm along Changbin’s back and rested his chin on his shoulder. 

He smelled like soap and froot loops.

“My mind is still full of textbooks and flashcards,” Changbin told him quietly.

“I know what you need! Come on!” 

He took his hand and pulled him in the garden where the grass felt soft under their bare feet.

“What are we doing?”

“Remember when you helped me the other day? Before my oral examination?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s my turn to help,” he murmured, his smile sweet.

Today was a beautiful, sunny day, with little bits of wind that brought in the whiff of the flowers. Hyunjin looked beautiful in his simple attire, his soft hair shining under the sun just like his eyes. Changbin felt the sunrays warm his face as he looked up, his eyes squinting to see a flock of birds fly across the blue sky.

“Can you make me stop thinking about school?”

“Trust me!” Hyunjin chirped, taking both of his hands, though they were crossed between them. “Eins, dos, san—”

“Hyunjin, what—”

“Go!”

And Hyunjin began running to the right, and Changbin had to run too or else they would both fall face first on the ground. So, they were spinning in the middle of the garden. Fast and clumsy, with arm muscles straining so much that it felt good.

He watched Hyunjin’s pretty face and his open mouth, and his round teeth, and he heard his scream when he stepped on something hard— Changbin stepped on it too. They must have looked stupid. And just like that, Changbin burst into laughter. Like a hyena. Because the last time he span like this, he was nine and Minho, who was ten and stronger than him, threw him across the playground.

As expected, Hyunjin tripped, his long legs getting in the way, and they both fell on the grass.

He kept laughing even laying on his back, still high from the game. Hyunjin crawled over and straddled his hips. Changbin rested his hand on top of each bare thigh.

“Did it work?” He had a kittenish smile, his hands cupping his boyfriend’s pecs over the t-shirt.

“Yes.” It did, he felt like all his negative emotions, all his intrusive thoughts were thrown away and shattered into pieces, then dust the moment they fell down. He felt lighter, like he was able to breathe again.

“So…” Hyunjin trailed, lowering himself a bit and arching his back, applying pressure where it was warm and soon, hard. “When are your parents coming?”

“At five, or later. But not before,” Changbin replied as he instinctively pushed up his hips against Hyunjin’s butt.

Hyunjin shot him a grin, lopsided and pretty.

And then, he took his t-shirt off.

  
  
  
  
  
_fin._  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> 1\. They are both very passionate and hot blooded people.  
> 2\. I think the reason they fight so much is because they feel a lot but don't communicate as much.  
> 3\. They're young boys, they're inexperienced and imperfect, but it doesn't mean they can't love each other.
> 
> I'd be really happy to get kudos and/or comments, to know your impression. This is what keeps me motivated. ♡
> 
> Thank very much for reading.
> 
> twt: @hyuniebinie (feel free to hmu!)


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